Sunt aici!

RO

De ce oprim in fiecare zi lucrurile care ne fac sa fim noi insine?

Cineva arunca in noi cu un cuvant negativ, cineva ne face sa ne simtim infimi, rai si insignifianti si incepem sa ne punem intrebari in legatura cu noi: daca ar trebui sa vorbim diferit, daca ar trebui sa ne imbracam diferit, daca ar trebui sa zambim, sa radem, sa ne miscam diferit.

Imi amintesc dulcea existenta de cand eram copil pentru ca nu aveam acel simt social inca. Puteam sa fiu murdara pe strampi, in genunchi, parul deranjat de atata joaca, plangeam cand voiam sa plang, indiferent de cine era in preajma, spuneam lucrurilor pe nume, eram pasionala, galagioasa si strigam din toate miscarile si actiunile mele: SUNT AICI! SUNT IN VIATA!!

Am realizat ca inca am acea flacara, acel mod pasional de a vedea viata, dar il las sa se stinga; las sa se stinga vocea mea care spune SUNT AICI pentru ca oamenii m-au judecat.

Au judecat felul in care ma imbrac, alegerile mele la mancare, felul in care traiesc, actiunile mele, pe mine insami, deciziile mele, emotiile mele, fricile, bucuriile, felul meu de a conduce, dorinta mea de a invata, familia mea, visurile mele. Si am acumulat toate acestea si incet incet am permis vocii mele interioare sa nu mai fie auzita. Am inceput sa o inchid zi de zi.

Vreau sa imi asum riscul de a face lucrurile pe care doresc sa le fac, de fiu eu insami din toate punctele de vedere, sa fiu naturala, sa iubesc cum eu iubesc, sa plang cum eu plang, sa nu imi ascund sentimentele si felul meu de a fi doar pentru ca niste oameni cred ca e un mod gresit.

Budistii afirma ca suntem asa sensibili la barfa legata de noi pentru ca avem de aparat o imagine de sine. Avem permanent conflicte cu altii deoarece avem o imagine despre noi insine si trebuie sa stam pe pozitii, facandu-i pe alti oameni sa creada acelasi lucru despre tine, sa creada in imaginea creata de tine.

Am incercat asta multi ani, "trebuie sa ma vezi frumoasa" " trebuie sa ma vezi desteapta" " trebuie sa ma vezi o persoana buna" si cand cineva decidea ca ei nu vor sa ma vada ca fiind buna la suflet, ci ca o persoana rea, deveneam frustrata si faceam orice puteam ca sa schimb acea perceptie.

Dar era greu si epuizant. Foarte epuizant.

Azi am decis ca oamenii ma pot vedea in orice mod doresc ei si sunt in regula cu asta. Vreau sa fiu impacata cu asta. Nu pot controla felul in care altii ma vad si am obosit sa ii fac sa vada o versiune a mea pe care refuza sa o vada.

Azi am decis ca imi voi lasa vocea interioara sa fie auzita, rasul meu sa fie vazut, miscarile mele sa fie simtite, pentru ca SUNT AICI, SUNT IN VIATA si sunt pe cale sa traiesc cea mai buna viata pe care o vreau.

Si da, sunt sigura ca vor fi oameni susotind, vorbindu-ma pe la spate, sau spunandu-mi-o in fata, dar este decizia lor sa critice si sa vorbeasca de rau pe cineva. Respect pe toata lumea, fac pace cu trecutul meu si urez toate cele bune si toata fericirea care poate fi simtita la toata lumea!

Confesiunea mea este pe terminate, am de gand sa traiesc la maxim si profund, urmarindu-mi vocea interioara. ❤

Cu dragoste,

Carina

EN

Why do we stop every day from the things that make us be us?

Someone throws at us a negative word, someone makes us feel small, bad and insignificant and we start to question ourselves: if we should talk differently, if we should dress differently, if we should smile, laugh, move differently.

I rememember the sweet existence from when I was a kid because I didn't had that social sense yet. I could have my stockings dirty in the knees, my hair messy from all that play, I cried when I wanted to cry, no matter who was around, I said the things on their names, I was passionate, loud, and I was screaming from all of my moves, from all of my actions: I AM HERE! I AM ALIVE!!

I realized that I still have that spark, that passionate way of seeing life, but I let it fade away, I let fade away my voice that sais I AM HERE because people had judged me.

They judged my way of dressing up, my choices in food, my way of living, my actions, myself, my decisions, my emotions, fears, joys, my way of driving, my craving for learning, my family, my dreams. And I accumulated all of these and little by little I started to not let my inner, truly voice be heard. I started to shut it down day by day.

I want to take the risk to make the things I want to do, to be myself from all points of view, to be natural, to love how I love, to cry like I cry, to not hide my emotions, my way of being just because some people believe it is wrong.

The buddhists say that we are so sensitive about the gossip that is about us because we have to defend a self image. We constantly have conflicts with others because we have an imagine about us and we have to stay in position and make other people think the same about you.

I tried that for many years, "you have to see me beautiful" "you have to see me intelligent" "you have to see me kind" and when someone decided that they don't want to see me kind, but a bad person, I got frustrated and did everything I could to change that perception.

But it was hard and exhausting.

Really exhausting.

Today I decide that people can see me in whatever way they want and I am fine with this. I want to be perffectly contented with this. I cannot control the way people see me and I am tired to make them see a version of myself that they refuse to see.

Today I decide that I will let my voice be heard, my laugh be seen, my moves be felt because I AM HERE, I AM ALIVE and I am about to live the best life I want. And yes, I am sure that there will be people whispering, talking behing my back, or saying it to my face, but it is their decision to criticise and talk bad about someone.

I respect everyone, I make peace with my past, I wish all the best and all the happiness that can be felt for everyone!

My confession is done, I am going to live fully and profoundly, following my inner voice ❤

Love, Carina